Something Weird

I have found myself in a hard place.  I think we as the Female gender tend to make things of the heart how we want them to be in our minds. If we want him  to be our boyfriend in our mind he is. When he says something completly normal we think its the cutest most wonderful thing anyone has ever said to us. Its a flaw, at least for me it is. I have of course "fallen in love" with a guy that lives by me. Normally I have no problem making a move. But with this guy I cant tell if he like me or if I have made it up in my mind.
      Things he does
          1. We talk about everthing together
          2. When we go out he pays
          3. We are cuddle buddies(no kissing)
          4. He cooks for me
         5. He defends me agaist stupid boys
         6. We watch and talk sports together
         7. He has hung out with my brother
         8. We just joke and smile all day
         9. He texts and calls me
         10. He calls him apartment....our apartment...also he got me a christmas tree for christmas. Best thing ever.

But as far as big moves go, he has not made them. WHAT? Am I crazy. Do I just want him to like me so bad that I have backed him into a corner that he can not get out of? Also If I go for this I have to tell the Wonderful guy that was going to move here for me this summer not to. Its kinda a big deal so I want to be sure before I try to change this situation.  But oh my god, at the risk sounding like a silly little girl.

Where ever you are.......

It's so easy to get carried away. I dont know if that just me and everyone else can be calm and cool. But I can not make my self hold back. Don't jump into this Mindy. Be cool. He is just a friend. Other girl are aloud to talk to him. But I can't.
Zac this summer was by far the biggest adventure that I have had so far. Running around Asia being in love. Farris Wheels, food, laughing and pure happyness. I do not think I have ever felt so free to do whatever I want. Whatever made me happy. For once I saw the hot, cool, fuuny guy and I took him. Not all the way......but GOD....sleeping next to him was kinda a dream. I'm never that girl. I'm the play it safe girl. And it paid off, however now I have gotten into a pretty big mess. After our amazing summer together we decided we were going to move in together....what Mindy? why would you think that was a good idea. He used to allways be on my mind and now he is move like a fleading thought, a nice memory to get me through the day. But someone to change my whole life for? I dont't think so. Maybe he can move to Utah. But I think he just gets to be in my fairy tale world. Its sad because running off to start my new life with him would have been amazing. But I have collage and jobs and friends and most importantly I need to find someone who wants to have a family with me. Wants to help me make lots and lots of babies. As many as possible. That is my real fairy tale.
Next post.....BND

A new start

Its been awhile. I went on an adventure and I found love. Real love? who knows. I would love to live in a world where he loves me back and wants to be with me forever. It was the most romantic summer of my life.
Playing in the rain
Hotels
Stars
Laughing and talking
Sleeping together
Presants
Adventures
Tears.

And the best part. He does not even love me back. He said he did and he wrote me a letter saying he loved me. But he in fact has talked to me twice. But I dont care because I know how he makes me feel. And right now hanging onto the dream is enough for me

you have real issues. real

omg you must be kidding!!!!! what is wrong with you peopl!!!!! 11. og my god damn idiots. can we just talk about how we have been planning this for months and today is the day that we decided to get ready. are you fucking kidding me. maybe you thought to your self this is important to mindy and this is something that we should remeber. ahhhhj fucking idiots I just want to shoot them in the face. we must be kidding. i better wake up and it better be 7am and we are leaving. fuck fuck fuck fuck. idiots. I hate late people, honestly there is nothing i hate more. Not a hard concept. at all.

Sacrifice

Being told what to do. Is there anything more horrible? Is there anything thats get me more angry? I would like to think that someday no one will ever tell me what to do. Parents, realigon, boss. I want nothing more that to be free. But its never going to happen. There will allways be someone with an option on what they think im doing right or wrong. Fuck off. That may be harsh. I just sometimes wonder if I had been born into a family that did not belive in god. I would be so different, slutty, drinking, no worries of what would happen if i did the things I want. I want him....but he does not want me....so whats a girl to do?

I have no problem with saying goodbye.

See I cant wake up, I'm living a nightmarethat keeps playing over againlocked in a room, so hung up on youand you're cool with just being friends
I think that this writting down how I feel thing might have something to it.First off I get to see how insaine I am and that allways good. And second I have found that I truely have no one in my life that I can share with. Im not sure if that means that Im sad because I cant tell my best friends my problems or that I have succeded in keeping my private life private. I wish I was at a cross roads, pick this option or this option. But im not I am free to stay in this place of delusion. I should cry I should scream but I just sit back in the corner waiting for my number to be called. Its sad, but is a life I have come to grips with. A year from now ill be ready to go and move on, but for now this is honest.

Ahhhhh

So clearly I am insain. like lost my mind. MARRIED!! omg with 2 kids. its sick it really is. how is that what im chaseing? normal boy? nope not for me, I have to go and pick the hottest most married person on the planet. And can we jsut talk about how hot he is for a moment. I think his meaness is what makes him so goddamn hot. The way he snaps or tells people what to do. His sexual comments and his big man self. Im going to build a house. Well thanks nice, why dont I just jump you now. And do I think about how it might be hurting people, nope not even one bit.  I think of myslef and myslef only, I onyl want to have instant gratification. OMG im going to loose my mind and he thinks im shy and fat. great. But who gives a fuck what he thinks right? its never going to matter. just because you had a thing with one married perosn does not mean you can have them all. Some of them stay faithful mindy!!!! you hoe your husband does right? so you so not push that on him and omg im not drinking for him. no fucking way in hell. 

I would rather die. die die die die die. omg my life is so sad