Ahhhhh

So clearly I am insain. like lost my mind. MARRIED!! omg with 2 kids. its sick it really is. how is that what im chaseing? normal boy? nope not for me, I have to go and pick the hottest most married person on the planet. And can we jsut talk about how hot he is for a moment. I think his meaness is what makes him so goddamn hot. The way he snaps or tells people what to do. His sexual comments and his big man self. Im going to build a house. Well thanks nice, why dont I just jump you now. And do I think about how it might be hurting people, nope not even one bit.  I think of myslef and myslef only, I onyl want to have instant gratification. OMG im going to loose my mind and he thinks im shy and fat. great. But who gives a fuck what he thinks right? its never going to matter. just because you had a thing with one married perosn does not mean you can have them all. Some of them stay faithful mindy!!!! you hoe your husband does right? so you so not push that on him and omg im not drinking for him. no fucking way in hell. 

I would rather die. die die die die die. omg my life is so sad

And I know one thing that I love you.

And I know one thing that I love you.  Is there clarity in this insanity. For a fucked up person like me is there a happy ever after or is there just more loneliness. I have no problem letting everyone slip put of my life. they are just people. And who does that. and honestly I just don't care. People feelings have always been my second though. harsh and alone. I lisened to his voice for 2 hours to. if that does not make me the saddest most pathetic person on the planet i dont know what does.

So quiet

The universal question: Will I be ok? I often feel like im going to grow up and be nothing. Never loved never helped never never never. I guess the obvious answer would be you need to go out and and do your dreams. Let nothing hold you back and all that jazz. No one ever tells you that that is not the way life works. You have  to be responsible have a job go to collage not rattle to many cages. But by not rattling other peoples cages you are putting your self in one. I have ran away moe times then I can count/ Anywhere that would take me I have jumped on it. But I allways come home alittle more grateful for my life. I truely belive that Heavely Father has a plan for me. He is watching me thinking mindy just get it together so I can give you everything you have ever wanted. But in my sad times I forget he is looking out for me and I give up. I settle for boring and wrong. Trust. Trust in god. He will help me have the life and the babys and the husband and I will be happy. I just have to put my faith and trust in him. You should to..... I mean why would you not. A Private prayer......he is lisening

So much for my happy ending

When has it gone to far? When has a obsession completely taken over a person. When does a normal girl go from a crush to planning a wedding and kids? When the person says to you, " I just don't like you like that" and you love him more, does that make you crazy? Our first son's name will be Axel, i have planned the proposal, the fights the love all of it. And he does not like me. Why is it that all girls think that their happy ever after will happen? What if for some of us it is just not going to happen. I am horrible, I lie, Im fat and have done somethings that im not proud of. Has that taken me out of the running? Am I so horrible that no one will ever want me forever? But it gets worse, I don't want anyone else. Sometimes I think there might be potential with someone else or think to myself, " you should go for that guy." And then there he his, prince charming. And he is in my head.  He is in my soul. I  have convinced myself on one feeling that may have just come from my stupid mind that he will at anymoment change his mind and be in love with me. ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I need to figure out a way to drive it home, because no matter how many times I say it, in my heart I'm still waiting. Is that not the worst life you could possibly live? One of Waiting. Should I not be one of those people out there living there life not waiting but living. I hate those people. My sister, one of the most wierd sad and differant looking people is getting married, and I am not. Has that thrown me in a hole? yes. But what kinda person goes to the family of the man that does not lover her just because he is gone? its sad. really......I have to stop. But without the dream, I'm not sure what I have

roomate

omg for the love of god i cant wait till you leave for the rest of the mounth. just go away andstop fucking cleaning and i dont know what the bloody problem is but its not my fucking problem

It feels like it was yesterday

I HAVE never been one to walk away but its time. what am I walking away from> life, living. What is the point if I  am going to do it all by myself. I have Believed in fate all this time and look where it has got me. it has got me in love with alot of people who do not love me back the end im done.

Slow Dancing in A Burning Room