Sacrifice

Being told what to do. Is there anything more horrible? Is there anything thats get me more angry? I would like to think that someday no one will ever tell me what to do. Parents, realigon, boss. I want nothing more that to be free. But its never going to happen. There will allways be someone with an option on what they think im doing right or wrong. Fuck off. That may be harsh. I just sometimes wonder if I had been born into a family that did not belive in god. I would be so different, slutty, drinking, no worries of what would happen if i did the things I want. I want him....but he does not want me....so whats a girl to do?

I have no problem with saying goodbye.

See I cant wake up, I'm living a nightmarethat keeps playing over againlocked in a room, so hung up on youand you're cool with just being friends
I think that this writting down how I feel thing might have something to it.First off I get to see how insaine I am and that allways good. And second I have found that I truely have no one in my life that I can share with. Im not sure if that means that Im sad because I cant tell my best friends my problems or that I have succeded in keeping my private life private. I wish I was at a cross roads, pick this option or this option. But im not I am free to stay in this place of delusion. I should cry I should scream but I just sit back in the corner waiting for my number to be called. Its sad, but is a life I have come to grips with. A year from now ill be ready to go and move on, but for now this is honest.

Ahhhhh

So clearly I am insain. like lost my mind. MARRIED!! omg with 2 kids. its sick it really is. how is that what im chaseing? normal boy? nope not for me, I have to go and pick the hottest most married person on the planet. And can we jsut talk about how hot he is for a moment. I think his meaness is what makes him so goddamn hot. The way he snaps or tells people what to do. His sexual comments and his big man self. Im going to build a house. Well thanks nice, why dont I just jump you now. And do I think about how it might be hurting people, nope not even one bit.  I think of myslef and myslef only, I onyl want to have instant gratification. OMG im going to loose my mind and he thinks im shy and fat. great. But who gives a fuck what he thinks right? its never going to matter. just because you had a thing with one married perosn does not mean you can have them all. Some of them stay faithful mindy!!!! you hoe your husband does right? so you so not push that on him and omg im not drinking for him. no fucking way in hell. 

I would rather die. die die die die die. omg my life is so sad

And I know one thing that I love you.

And I know one thing that I love you.  Is there clarity in this insanity. For a fucked up person like me is there a happy ever after or is there just more loneliness. I have no problem letting everyone slip put of my life. they are just people. And who does that. and honestly I just don't care. People feelings have always been my second though. harsh and alone. I lisened to his voice for 2 hours to. if that does not make me the saddest most pathetic person on the planet i dont know what does.

So quiet

The universal question: Will I be ok? I often feel like im going to grow up and be nothing. Never loved never helped never never never. I guess the obvious answer would be you need to go out and and do your dreams. Let nothing hold you back and all that jazz. No one ever tells you that that is not the way life works. You have  to be responsible have a job go to collage not rattle to many cages. But by not rattling other peoples cages you are putting your self in one. I have ran away moe times then I can count/ Anywhere that would take me I have jumped on it. But I allways come home alittle more grateful for my life. I truely belive that Heavely Father has a plan for me. He is watching me thinking mindy just get it together so I can give you everything you have ever wanted. But in my sad times I forget he is looking out for me and I give up. I settle for boring and wrong. Trust. Trust in god. He will help me have the life and the babys and the husband and I will be happy. I just have to put my faith and trust in him. You should to..... I mean why would you not. A Private prayer......he is lisening

So much for my happy ending

When has it gone to far? When has a obsession completely taken over a person. When does a normal girl go from a crush to planning a wedding and kids? When the person says to you, " I just don't like you like that" and you love him more, does that make you crazy? Our first son's name will be Axel, i have planned the proposal, the fights the love all of it. And he does not like me. Why is it that all girls think that their happy ever after will happen? What if for some of us it is just not going to happen. I am horrible, I lie, Im fat and have done somethings that im not proud of. Has that taken me out of the running? Am I so horrible that no one will ever want me forever? But it gets worse, I don't want anyone else. Sometimes I think there might be potential with someone else or think to myself, " you should go for that guy." And then there he his, prince charming. And he is in my head.  He is in my soul. I  have convinced myself on one feeling that may have just come from my stupid mind that he will at anymoment change his mind and be in love with me. ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I need to figure out a way to drive it home, because no matter how many times I say it, in my heart I'm still waiting. Is that not the worst life you could possibly live? One of Waiting. Should I not be one of those people out there living there life not waiting but living. I hate those people. My sister, one of the most wierd sad and differant looking people is getting married, and I am not. Has that thrown me in a hole? yes. But what kinda person goes to the family of the man that does not lover her just because he is gone? its sad. really......I have to stop. But without the dream, I'm not sure what I have