Sunday, December 9, 2012

Where ever you are.......

It's so easy to get carried away. I dont know if that just me and everyone else can be calm and cool. But I can not make my self hold back. Don't jump into this Mindy. Be cool. He is just a friend. Other girl are aloud to talk to him. But I can't.
Zac this summer was by far the biggest adventure that I have had so far. Running around Asia being in love. Farris Wheels, food, laughing and pure happyness. I do not think I have ever felt so free to do whatever I want. Whatever made me happy. For once I saw the hot, cool, fuuny guy and I took him. Not all the way......but GOD....sleeping next to him was kinda a dream. I'm never that girl. I'm the play it safe girl. And it paid off, however now I have gotten into a pretty big mess. After our amazing summer together we decided we were going to move in together....what Mindy? why would you think that was a good idea. He used to allways be on my mind and now he is move like a fleading thought, a nice memory to get me through the day. But someone to change my whole life for? I dont't think so. Maybe he can move to Utah. But I think he just gets to be in my fairy tale world. Its sad because running off to start my new life with him would have been amazing. But I have collage and jobs and friends and most importantly I need to find someone who wants to have a family with me. Wants to help me make lots and lots of babies. As many as possible. That is my real fairy tale.
Next post.....BND

Monday, September 10, 2012

A new start

Its been awhile. I went on an adventure and I found love. Real love? who knows. I would love to live in a world where he loves me back and wants to be with me forever. It was the most romantic summer of my life.
Playing in the rain
Hotels
Stars
Laughing and talking
Sleeping together
Presants
Adventures
Tears.
And the best part. He does not even love me back. He said he did and he wrote me a letter saying he loved me. But he in fact has talked to me twice. But I dont care because I know how he makes me feel. And right now hanging onto the dream is enough for me

Saturday, April 14, 2012

you have real issues. real

omg you must be kidding!!!!! what is wrong with you peopl!!!!! 11. og my god damn idiots. can we just talk about how we have been planning this for months and today is the day that we decided to get ready. are you fucking kidding me. maybe you thought to your self this is important to mindy and this is something that we should remeber. ahhhhj fucking idiots I just want to shoot them in the face. we must be kidding. i better wake up and it better be 7am and we are leaving. fuck fuck fuck fuck. idiots. I hate late people, honestly there is nothing i hate more. Not a hard concept. at all.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Sacrifice

Being told what to do. Is there anything more horrible? Is there anything thats get me more angry? I would like to think that someday no one will ever tell me what to do. Parents, realigon, boss. I want nothing more that to be free. But its never going to happen. There will allways be someone with an option on what they think im doing right or wrong. Fuck off. That may be harsh. I just sometimes wonder if I had been born into a family that did not belive in god. I would be so different, slutty, drinking, no worries of what would happen if i did the things I want. I want him....but he does not want me....so whats a girl to do?

Friday, March 30, 2012

I have no problem with saying goodbye.

See I cant wake up, I'm living a nightmarethat keeps playing over againlocked in a room, so hung up on youand you're cool with just being friends
I think that this writting down how I feel thing might have something to it.First off I get to see how insaine I am and that allways good. And second I have found that I truely have no one in my life that I can share with. Im not sure if that means that Im sad because I cant tell my best friends my problems or that I have succeded in keeping my private life private. I wish I was at a cross roads, pick this option or this option. But im not I am free to stay in this place of delusion. I should cry I should scream but I just sit back in the corner waiting for my number to be called. Its sad, but is a life I have come to grips with. A year from now ill be ready to go and move on, but for now this is honest.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Ahhhhh

So clearly I am insain. like lost my mind. MARRIED!! omg with 2 kids. its sick it really is. how is that what im chaseing? normal boy? nope not for me, I have to go and pick the hottest most married person on the planet. And can we jsut talk about how hot he is for a moment. I think his meaness is what makes him so goddamn hot. The way he snaps or tells people what to do. His sexual comments and his big man self. Im going to build a house. Well thanks nice, why dont I just jump you now. And do I think about how it might be hurting people, nope not even one bit.  I think of myslef and myslef only, I onyl want to have instant gratification. OMG im going to loose my mind and he thinks im shy and fat. great. But who gives a fuck what he thinks right? its never going to matter. just because you had a thing with one married perosn does not mean you can have them all. Some of them stay faithful mindy!!!! you hoe your husband does right? so you so not push that on him and omg im not drinking for him. no fucking way in hell. 

I would rather die. die die die die die. omg my life is so sad

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

And I know one thing that I love you.

And I know one thing that I love you.  Is there clarity in this insanity. For a fucked up person like me is there a happy ever after or is there just more loneliness. I have no problem letting everyone slip put of my life. they are just people. And who does that. and honestly I just don't care. People feelings have always been my second though. harsh and alone. I lisened to his voice for 2 hours to. if that does not make me the saddest most pathetic person on the planet i dont know what does.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

So quiet

The universal question: Will I be ok? I often feel like im going to grow up and be nothing. Never loved never helped never never never. I guess the obvious answer would be you need to go out and and do your dreams. Let nothing hold you back and all that jazz. No one ever tells you that that is not the way life works. You have  to be responsible have a job go to collage not rattle to many cages. But by not rattling other peoples cages you are putting your self in one. I have ran away moe times then I can count/ Anywhere that would take me I have jumped on it. But I allways come home alittle more grateful for my life. I truely belive that Heavely Father has a plan for me. He is watching me thinking mindy just get it together so I can give you everything you have ever wanted. But in my sad times I forget he is looking out for me and I give up. I settle for boring and wrong. Trust. Trust in god. He will help me have the life and the babys and the husband and I will be happy. I just have to put my faith and trust in him. You should to..... I mean why would you not. A Private prayer......he is lisening

So much for my happy ending

When has it gone to far? When has a obsession completely taken over a person. When does a normal girl go from a crush to planning a wedding and kids? When the person says to you, " I just don't like you like that" and you love him more, does that make you crazy? Our first son's name will be Axel, i have planned the proposal, the fights the love all of it. And he does not like me. Why is it that all girls think that their happy ever after will happen? What if for some of us it is just not going to happen. I am horrible, I lie, Im fat and have done somethings that im not proud of. Has that taken me out of the running? Am I so horrible that no one will ever want me forever? But it gets worse, I don't want anyone else. Sometimes I think there might be potential with someone else or think to myself, " you should go for that guy." And then there he his, prince charming. And he is in my head.  He is in my soul. I  have convinced myself on one feeling that may have just come from my stupid mind that he will at anymoment change his mind and be in love with me. ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I need to figure out a way to drive it home, because no matter how many times I say it, in my heart I'm still waiting. Is that not the worst life you could possibly live? One of Waiting. Should I not be one of those people out there living there life not waiting but living. I hate those people. My sister, one of the most wierd sad and differant looking people is getting married, and I am not. Has that thrown me in a hole? yes. But what kinda person goes to the family of the man that does not lover her just because he is gone? its sad. really......I have to stop. But without the dream, I'm not sure what I have